July 7, 2013

Single Black Woman Graduation: 10 Signs You’re Ready

 
 
1.      You take complete responsibility for being single.

2.     Up until now, your dating life has been something like recess.  You’re ready for something new.

3.      You’ve released hundreds of innocent male bystanders from failed relationship blame.

4.       You are truly happy.

5.     Relinquishing some of your freedoms no longer repulses you.

6.     You have your dream home all picked out (down to the tile) and you know you can’t live in it alone.

7.       You have a clear non-materialistic visualization of your “man”.

8.       You believe you can meet your husband at any time and you’re always ready.

9.       You peep game like you have spidey senses.

10.   The thought of a family makes you smile.

June 10, 2013

How Much Does Size Really Matter?

12"+
WHAT IS THAT THING?!
Picks phone up and calls girlfriend to share details about your mutant member!







6" - 8"
YES LORD...THANK YOU JESUS
Thinks up unique ways she can get it!  Also calls girlfriend to share details about her good fortune.










4" - 5"
MMM OK...I CAN WORK WITH THIS
Decides the glass is half full.  Details about your lackluster member never come up in conversation.











Less Than 3"
WHERE'S THE BEEF?!
No comment.  You just never hear from her again.

June 8, 2013

Too Affectionate, Too Soon

How to ruin a perfectly great second date in just five steps.

1.   Ignore her body language completely.  Keep planting kisses on her neck while she cringes, curls up and tells you flat out “wow, you are doing the most right now and I don’t even know you.”

2.   Continue to caress the same spot she has repeatedly removed your hand from.

      3.   Tell her you sense she’s been hurt and you just want to be there for her.  After she tells you she hasn’t  - continue to dig deep for problems that don’t exist in her life.


4.   After she tells you she just wants to take things slow, suggest she come back to your home for a massage and a blueberry pancake breakfast.

5.   When things go completely south and she no longer wants to continue the date – insist you will ride with her on the train home and leave in the morning.
Aftermath of a crash and burn date.  This John was going down with the plane at all cost. Smh.  NEXT.

May 3, 2013

"I Rather Text Than Talk To My Man"...Said No Woman EVER

Ladies and gents another one bites the dust.  Can I tell yall about my relationship that lasted TWO WHOLE WEEKS.  I can? Okay Cool.

Dudes!  Yall are killing me.

On no planet will being in a relationship be convenient for you.  I get that Steve Jobs put the world at your finger tips, but bay bay...at some point you will have to pick up the phone and carry on a real live conversation.

Oh and don't let dude have a slightly demanding job!  All of a sudden there is no time to talk.  Soooo why are we together again?

Off top, this one actually ranks among the dating greats as the longest period of time I have tolerated the opposite sex being up in my space without feeling annoyed or caged. That's a good thing.

BUT...


Why did dude chase me to Kilimanjaro and back, then when he caught me - don't know how to act.  What is the purpose?  IDK.  Why even waste your time when you know good and well you're not ready for a relationship and sex is off the table?

OFFENSE: Dude didn't have "time" to talk on the phone, didn't like talking on the phone, preferred in-person interaction, used texting as his main form of communication - one or all of those.

DISCLAIMER: I have very little patience for dumb shit when it comes to relationships.  If it isn't easy off top (and it should be) then that's a sign to keep it moving.  If you have to work at a relationship out the gate then you'll be doing that the entire time.   Ain't nobody got time for that!

MY RESPONSE: I'm not texting you all day - figure it out.  (I have plenty people I can text.  I want to converse with my man, how else do you get to know someone and grow?  Duh!)

HIS EPIC RESPONSE: Maybe we should take one step back before moving forward.  Umm-err-aaa, I was drunk when we made it official.

MY RESPONSE: Ok...cool.  NEXT!

DEAR DUDE:  If you're reading this, all love :)  But you knew you were going down in SBW Blog history.  Hot Mess!

I don't even have a brain stimulating ending for this blog.  Simply...SMH

March 31, 2013

Tyler Perry's Temptation | Single Black Woman Review


Go head Tyler Perry – GO HEAD!




Tyler Perry’s Temptation is a must see! It’s steamy, relatable, sexy, real and quotes scripture. First, I must say, I only pay to see BLACK movies – yup. There aren’t enough of us in the film industry, so when someone does put sweat, tears and money into a movie – I’m supporting it.  I even took it a step further and watched it at the Magic Theater in Harlem with my African-inspired head wrap on. Yes, I took it there – it was a proud moment.
Tyler Perry’s Temptation is a romantic-suspense. Honey, when I tell you I was shouting at the characters in the theater – trust and believe.  A lady turned around and said, “dang you want to tell us the whole movie.” Ugh. Rude. I can talk. I’m grown. That’s what I was thinking, but y’all know I’m suburban hood so I politely apologized...and kept right on talking. Boop! Bloop!
The movie moved very quickly and was quite engaging, but Tyler you know you wrong for that ending!  My friend and I sat in our seats moaning and groaning, disgruntled than a mother as the credits rolled.  Like every Tyler Perry movie, there were so many lessons to be learned.  My friend and I sat over drinks afterward to reflect on our lives and digest the hot mess love triangle we just paid $15 bucks a head to watch. 
Side note: Was I the only one wondering WHY Kim Kardashian was in this movie? Like, what was the purpose? I am so tired of seeing her pop-up places for no reason! Shade.
SBW I have one question – “Are you looking for a Harley?”
Good day peeps – Happy Easter.

March 24, 2013

SHIT PEOPLE SAY AND WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN

“There aren’t any good black men!”
Translation: "Good black men date “up” so I am out of the running…Dayum."

“We don’t talk anymore, he’s so lame.”
Translation: "I gave him everything I had and he didn’t want it."

"I only date white men"
Translation: "I don't think black men find me attractive."


“I only date light-skin women.”
Translation: "I haven’t been exposed to much, so if it’s good enough for my favorite rapper, it’s good enough for me."

"I'll be there in 5 minutes."
Translation: "I'll be there in 15-20 minutes."


"I thank God for my haters, yall keep me going!"
Translation: I have absolutely no haters, but if I did this is what I would say."

"Rise and grind."
Translation: "The one day I get up early and do something, I want everyone to know about it."

“I am celibate now, I want to be closer to God.”
Translation: "I’m tired of giving up my coochie for free."

“She looks like such a hoe in that short tight dress.”
Translation: "I wish I had the body to wear that."

“I don’t date black women.”
Translation: "I’m not where I want to be in life, I need to get my shit together."

“I am happily nappy. I love my natural hair.”
Translation: "Even though I feel like I look a hot mess sometimes, I must appear confident at all times."

“Money isn’t everything.”
Translation: "I’m broke!"

“I’m not dating, I’m working on myself right now.”
Translation: "Who would want me in my current situation?"

“I want to be married sooo bad.”
Translation: "I want to have a wedding and post pictures on facebook."

Any others?

March 16, 2013

Cheap date gone right...THE $4 DATE

Only 48 hours post date am I realizing that I had a fantastic time and dude didn’t spend a dime.  How’d he do that?!  You hear all the time you shouldn’t equate dollar amounts to how much a person is into you.  That statement is usually followed up by some whack mention of ice cream and a walk in the park.  Shout out to dude – ‘cause you just pulled a rabbit out yo swag bag and I am impressed.

I meet dude at his office in the heart of the city and initially I am impressed.  Business men drive me wild, so when I see he has actual employees and things to do before tending to me – I’m like "YES" do your thang.  One Vodka Cranberry and 30 mins. later we dip.  $0.00 dollars spent.


We’re off to an art viewing.  Chit-chatting as we dodge through the streets, we arrive shortly after.  Taking in the art, complimentary wine in hand, I am in my element – and he knows this.  Ten points for dude because he listens, has great taste and I even got some networking in.  $0.00 dollars spent.

He tells me to finish my drink, I down it and we’re off again.  Whipping through the cold dark air in pursuit of some reggae vibes – we hop in his ride and arrive at a hole-in-the-wall speakeasy that his friend owns.  I love reggae!  The artist was great, the band eclectic, he’s politicking and by now I am in my zone. $0 dollars spent.

Now I am hungry, so I suggest a pizza spot I saw on the way to the next location.  We pop-in and order slices.  As he proceeds to hand over his plastic, the cashier points at the hand written sign – CASH ONLY.  I think I have cash.  I manage to scrounge up $4 bucks and the nice lady behind us puts $1 on it.  We eat, well mostly I eat and he watches me eat.  $4 dollars spent.

Before I look up – he grabs my hand and off we go.  Last stop, a premier nightclub in the city who he happens to know the owner of – go figure.  As soon as we arrive the manager buys us drinks and we have a seat.  We end up dancing the night away with some friends we made.  I cut the night short because it was getting late for my taste.  END RESULT: I arrive at my doorstep with an admiration for dude and how he commands a room; people are just drawn to his energy.  I had so much fun – PRICELESS. 

March 3, 2013

NICE GUYS REALLY DO FINISH LAST

Dear Nice Guy,

I am writing this letter in hindsight of alot of mistakes I made.  Mistakes I cannot change, but have learned and grown as a result.  I’m sorry - and here are a list of things I sincerely from the bottom of my heart really really apologize for.


I’M SORRY it will take me years before I appreciate you and realize your worth.
I’M SORRY that I looked at you, but never really saw you.
I’M SORRY I put the cool guy first only to find out years later he’s an absolute loser.
I’M SORRY I took your kindness for weakness.
I’M SORRY I treated you like shit.
I’M SORRY I was too insecure to believe that anyone could be so sweet to me.
I’M SORRY I only needed you in moments of pain and distress.
I’M SORRY that the things you saw in me, I never saw in myself.
I’M SORRY I put you in the friend zone and kept you there for soo long.
I’M SORRY for thinking you were an imposter, a fake, too good to be true.
I’M SORRY I talked about you to my girlfriends in an effort to stroke my own ego.
I’M SORRY I played dumb when you were pouring your heart out to me.
I’M SORRY I used you for mental stimulation and "him" for physical stimulation.
I’M SORRY I never really noticed you.
I’M SORRY you were on the outside looking in and I never opened the door for you.
I’M SORRY I kept you in the closet
I’M SORRY for giving you false hope to keep you around for self-motivated reasons.

To all the nice guys out there:  It really does get better.  You’ll have to weed through more bullshit than most but the road less traveled is said to have the greater reward.

February 27, 2013

Online Dating Horror Part 2

Who's daddy is this?  Today's online dating hot mess comes in a size 50 year old white male which I will dub Mr. IWannaBeYourSugarDaddy.  I don't claim to be sheltered but unless I'm giving off hooker vibes (which I assure you I am not), on what planet is it okay for this to be your opening line.  Exhibit B:

 
 
Well damn!  I guess homeboy ain't got time for romance.  Mmmmm - I wonder what my dad is doing right now?  #throwupinmymouth

February 25, 2013

Online Dating Horror

In the name of “I’ll try anything once” I am back on a dating website!  Yes, “back” meaning second time around, meaning I didn’t learn my lesson the first time, meaning numero dos.  Don’t judge me – don’t do that.  Why?  Same reason most normal people get roped in – FRIENDS.  I got on it the first time by 50% force and 50% curiosity – I closed my account just as quickly as I opened it.  I won’t blast the reason why because he may read this blog :/

This time around a friend convinces me yet again that I didn’t give it a chance, you have to talk to the guys to really get to know them, don’t go by looks alone, weed through the ratchetness…blah, blah, blah.  And now, here I am writing a blog about my online dating hot mess.  Excuse me for being brash.  I get that the same people you could meet on your way to work are the same people that have these pseudo-personality accounts online.  Buuuuuut, seems like these online people are a tad bit weirder than real life weirdos.  Exhibit A:



After you’ve read the above opening lines from Mr. 420Bisexual; you can see my frustrations.  I don’t really need to write anything else.  In fact, Im done with this post. 

January 19, 2013

Ancient Tactics Men Use to Initiate Sex

Watching a man try to get in them draws is somewhat like an Olympic sport.  They go through training, learn the same technique, and the male with the best delivery and a bit of genetic favor wins - always.

I'd love to grow up a male - just to see what cult-like Pimpin' is Pimpin' class they have to graduate from in order to earn their balls.  Dudes use the SAME approach to dating and they SWEAR they are different from any other man on the planet! 



This one gets me everytime it is almost comical - The Massage.  Every man on this planet has used this as bait to feel up on a woman. I don't care if he's 15 or 50!  They will always ask for a massage or offer to give one.  This routine is so tired I can literally count down when they plan on using this tactic - right around the third date.  And when they open with a sad gym story about being sore - I am too through!  If he's a 10 I'll just ignore it, if he's a 5.5 these eyes get to rolling so far back in my head I need a GPS to see.  Seriously, did yall all read the same How to Get Pussy book.  Sadly, women will always fall for this the first time :)





Another universal Pimpin' is Pimpin' 101 tactic is - The Movie Night.  Dear God make them stop!  No, I do not want to lay up in the house with you watching Ted.  I don't know you - I don't want to hear your stomach rumble and nor do I want to hear all them stank burbs you're trying to hold back.  Poor thangs just be gassy.  Men will never fail to use this move.  It's cheap for them and is an automatic excuse to cuddle (among other things).  9 times out of 10 I ignore this one as well.  Nope - not interested, heard it all before!  NEXT!

So I say all that to say this, men's tired game is effective - it works, yes.  If I were a male, I would probably go for quantity and not quality as well.  At least until abusing my penis no longer amused me and I craved for a mental connection with another human being.  But dang, if you are between the ages of 25-30 you NEED to switch it up and get creative.  By this time in life we have heard it all!  If you are between the ages of 18 - 21, the above techniques will get you laid a few times.  At that time in life we don't know any better - unfortunately.

January 18, 2013

PUBLIC SISTA ANNOUNCEMENT

WHY DO YOU WEAR YOUR LACE FRONT LIKE THAT...
Ohhh Lord knows sometimes I am so ashamed to walk passed a Ratchet...but to walk passed a Ratchet with the Lace-Front-My-Hairline-Starts-At-My-Eyebrow-Epidemic is something that makes me hang my head and denounce my people like Peter did Jesus.  STOP IT!!

 
image

January 1, 2013

Top 5 Ways to Tell If A Guy Is Great In Bed Without Sleeping With Him

1.  He's Bowlegged - It is scientifically proven by urban scholars that if a man is bowlegged he makes for a great back shot and bedroom lover.  IDK what it is - but I know there is truth in this theory (or so i've heard).

2.  He Never Brags - Men that don't hold regular press parties for their lingham capabilities are known to be a great lay.  They operate by actions and live for the opportunity when they can show you much more than they can tell.

3.  He's A Chocolate Drop - Everybody knows a dark skin brother is always a sure hit.  The darker they are, the more biologically connected they are to their primal African roots.  Chocolate brothers go after the gold - no questions asked.  If you lay with this man, your dainty No's, Dont's and Stops are worthless.  If anything, he may tell you to shut the hell up and turn around - hopefully you like that type of thing.  Don't say I didn't warn you.


4.  He Has Smushy Lips - Men with a certain grade of lip have been known to be great lovers.  The texture can only be confirmed by another set of lips pressed against it.  It's soft, moisturized, firm yet smushy.  These guys are also known to give great head.  I am convinced there is no greater lip moisturizer than croch juice - they need to bottle it and sell it for those of you who lack.  (LOL at all the men licking their lips trying to see if they're smushy...HA)

5. He Knows Your Erogenous Zones - Call him Slick Rick because he knows the triggers to touch in order to moisten your panties.  His tactics are descreet yet they pack a serious punch!  It's like he knows you - but he doesn't.  These guys are dangerous.  If the two of you are fully clothed baking cookies for the church bake sale and with one touch he can have your mind in the gutter in less than .02 seconds - imagine what he can do if he had you to himself.  Good Lawd!

Happy Hunting Ladies!


December 26, 2012

MY NATURAL HAIR JOURNEY | THE BIG CHOP

 
One morning I woke up and decided it was time to chop it all off.
 
 
Immediately afterward I stopped at the grocery store for my new homemade hair care products - starting with my deep conditioner concoction.


 
Can't forget the condiditoner - so important.  I now condition more than I wash with shampoo.


 
THE RESULTS
(CAUTION: This is not a wash and go.  
I sat and twisted my hair with gel after I deep conditioned - it is a process)
 
 
It fits me - I like it!  I will keep you guys posted on hair growth....stay tuned.